What Ifs Are Burning My Brain
by Nerdyesque
Summary: Logan and Veronica discuss the what ifs dominating their lives. (Rated T for mild cursing)


**A/N: Unexpectedly cavity inducing fluff. I blame Steenbeans. I was rereading her "Knowing the Difference" story and this gem popped into my head. I will admit, I almost stole Logan's middle name from her, but in my head canon its Nicholas despite her awesome "Lee" nickname. Fair warning: once again I just wrote this and posted it without going over it too much. I've been away from this fandom for a while now and I don't want to scare away my Muse by over thinking things, which is a bad habit of mine. If there are any mistakes, feel free to point them out, though I won't promise to fix them. **

* * *

Veronica slowed her hands, staring blindly at the wood she held. It still struck her as odd how things had played out, changed, and competely reversed themselves so much she sometimes needed a map to find her way through her own life.

"Is something wrong with you or -"

"No, no, nothing like that," she quickly assured him, mouth trembling. These past few months, hell these past few _years_ had changed them both for the better and life for them was pretty sweet, something she never thought she'd ever say much less think.

"Why are you so pensive?"

"What, a girl can't navel-gaze every one in a while."

"Ronnie."

One word, the name only he called her any more, and she crumbled. Her thoughts were always chaotic and strange, especially now, but this was different. Sacrosanct.

"Do you...do you ever think what if?"

"What if?'

"What if Lilly hadn't died and we never-" she flipped a hand between them, indicating their hard won ease and closeness.

"Sometimes," he admitted lowly, eyes furtive. Lilly was probably the only girl in the world she couldn't be jealous of, if only because she understood his passion and love. They shared everything, including their obsession over Lilly Kane, so his words didn't hurt. They were a simple truth.

"I do too. I mean, what if I had stopped her that day, when she told me she had a secret?"

"What day?"

"The day of the car wash, when you came to break things off with her for good. When she told me she had a delicious secret she couldn't share with me."

Veronica couldn't regret the way her life turned out, even as she mourned her friend's death, but her failure to follow up with Lilly after her sly admission would always haunt her.

"You couldn't have forced her to tell you if she didn't want to."

"I know, I know, but..."

"There's a reason she didn't tell you, you know?"

"What do you mean?"

"Lilly once told me you were her conscience, that without you she wouldn't have a moral compass. She knew if she told you she was having an affair with a married man - especially my father - you would've shamed her into feeling bad about it."

Veronica marveled over Logan's insight, and thought back to that long ago day. So many events in her life had gradually faded as the importance of them lost its hold, but that day stood out in her mind as clearly as if it had happened hours ago.

"I think she was looking for an excuse not to go; I really think she was going to tell me when we got interrupted by our coach. I never knew half of what she did unless she actually told me, and she knew I hated not knowing her secrets once I caught on to something." It was why Veronica never caught Lilly cheating on Logan, only heard about it after the fact. Lilly knew if Veronica had prior knowledge, she wouldn't have let sleeping dogs lie, or allow Lilly to treat Logan that way despite being her best friend. Veronica might've been innocent or naive back then, but integrity was instilled in her at birth.

"A leopard doesn't change its spots."

"Laugh it up, Fuzzball."

Logan quirked a smile, his lips pulling up lopsidedly. "We were the worst couple -" he held up a finger to shush Veronica's instinctive protest. "Yes, she never accused me of murder or had me arrested. Was what she did any better? At least with you I could predict your behavior, I understood you in ways I couldn't with Lilly. She was the love of my life and I never really knew her."

"She loved you."

"I know. She was _kind_ after many of ... Aaron's..."

Even now, years later, it was still hard to speak of for him. Veronica closed one small hand around his and laced their fingers together, letting them gently rest on her stomach as she leaned against him.

"I've never hated her or thought anything less of her until I found out she knew about the abuse and never said anything."

Logan looked down at her in shock. "What?"

"Duncan gave me her journal before he went on the run, said I needed it more than he or his parents did. I read it, and it was only after I found out about Aaron that I understood some of her passages about you. I will never understand why she kept quiet!"

He rubbed his chin across her bent head, and tightened his grip. "When I was six, Aaron beat me for the first time for something I can't even remember now. Consuela, our housekeeper at the time, found me crying in the closet and bandaged me up. She called the cops and two days later Immigration took her away. I never underestimated his power after that."

Veronica sucked in a breath even as she huddled further into his body. The abuse was over and done with - the perpetrator rotted away - but she couldn't contain her horror at his casually spoken words. She knew Logan wasn't as cavalier as he seemed, and therapy had helped immensely, so she said nothing except give him the comfort of her presence. It never seemed enough despite his protestations to the contrary, though his willingness to speak about it so carefully told her most of the mental effects of his trauma had mostly dissipated. He would never get over his fear of turning into Aaron, yet he worked through those feelings every day, and in much healthier ways than in the past.

They had a future now and he wouldn't do _anything_ to screw it up

"Do you think Lilly and you would've stayed together into college?"

He allowed the subject change. "No. I think by the time she graduated and went off to Vassar or Harvard or whatever other Ivy League school she was accepted to, I would've been the high school boyfriend weighing her down. She barely stood me towards the end, so I can't imagine us going the distance."

She wanted to argue, tell him Lilly would've never done that, except his words had a ring of truth. While it was hard for Veronica to imagine a world without Logan inextricably entwined in it, she knew had Lilly lived, he would've gradually faded away, the way Duncan had when he thought they were siblings.

"We never would've dated -"

"-broken up-"

"Got back together -"

"-broken up-"

"Fought for and against each other -"

"-broken up-"

"Shut up! You sound like a broken record!"

"Well, we did do this one-step-forward- five-leaps -back dance for a number of years before you wised up and realized I'm the best thing to ever happen to you."

His words were cocky, though a quick peek at his face let her know he wasn't feeling the same way.

Their last breakup, towards the end of college, had almost been permanent, a four and a half year gap where they didn't speak or interact at all. She'd gone to Virginia for the summer internship her Freshman year, and had fallen in love with that part of the country because of the actual season changes, so she'd relocated to the East coast for her Masters. She'd expected Logan to drift around being a surf beach bum with Dick, but he'd surprised her by going back to school after earning his Bachelors in English, and getting an MBA so he could go into business with Mac. Using his personal skills and money combined with her brain and computer skills, they'd started a Software Security firm that soon had bigwigs from Silicone Valley knocking on their door. Of course, being rich already didn't hurt, so becoming even richer hadn't changed his life any. Mac, on the other hand, was finally living the 09er lifestyle she should've had at birth and enjoying every second of it.

"You are the worst and best of times for me."

Logan groaned against her temple as he resettled her against him.

"Do you ever regret it?"

"Are you kidding me, Ronnie? I will always hate how Lilly died and why, but I can't change the past nor would I want to."

"I feel guilty sometimes because of how happy I am. What did I do to deserve this?"

"There's no such thing as someone _deserving_ happiness, Veronica. You have to earn it just like everything else."

"But -"

"No "buts." Look, I won't deny that we wouldn't have happened had Lilly lived, but she didn't and we did. We were inevitable from the moment Aaron swung that ashtray."

Veronica knew he was right. The Veronica in the Lilly days was softer and kinder, just as passionate, but for different things and in different ways. Logan had always fascinated her as he was wilder and cagier, yet she'd also feared him for the same reasons. She hadn't been through the crucible that tested her mettle and scored her to the base elements of her personality. Sure she'd grown brittle for a time, harder to crack, but she was grounded in ways Lilly's Veronica never had to be or would be as long as her best friend was there to shade her.

"Evangeline."

"What?"

"If we have a girl, I want to name her Evangeline."

Logan drew back to stare at her "We're not calling her Lilly."

"No," she agreed peaceably. "There can only be one Lilly at a time." They shared a grin, thinking of Duncan's daughter who shared more than a passing resemblance to her dead aunt, in both looks and personality. "We'll call her Angie or Evie."

"Evangeline Grace Echolls. I like it."

"Grace?"

"My grandmother's name."

"What if we have a boy?"

Veronica was glad no fear darkened Logan's eyes. She knew he wanted a girl badly, and not only because he wanted a carbon copy of Veronica, but also because he feared turning into his father. Aaron had never physically abused Lynn or Trina, just Logan.

"I was thinking Xander Keith."

"Your obsession with_ Buffy_ is out of hand." It was easier to joke about the origin of the first name than to think about their hypothetical son's middle name.

"What better name than one that means defender of the people paired with the name of an _actual _defender of the people?"

Logan wasn't letting her get away with her usual ostrich in the sand method of avoidance. It was much easier to manipulate him into it when he walked on eggshells around her feelings, living in fear of setting off a relationship imploding argument. She almost missed those days, except a happily settled Logan looked damn good.

"When?"

"When I can tell him he's going to be a father-in-law and not just a grandfather!"

Veronica bit her lip and closed her eyes in consternation. She knew Logan loved her, knew they were finally healthy enough to embark on a mature and adult relationship while handling their mutual baggage, but they'd also never talked about marriage. And when the rabbit had died, she'd assumed he would propose, and she'd readied her arguments about it being the twenty-first century and people had children out of wedlock all the time, except.

Except.

Except, he never said anything other than how happy he was they were going to have a baby.

Months of Mac laughing at her confusion and unhappiness when she got exactly what she wanted now led to this outburst.

"What?"

"I-ah-nothing."

Logan pulled away completely so they sat staring one another over the ruins of the crib they'd tried assembling for the past hour.

"You never said you wanted marriage. In fact, I can distinctly remember you mocking it as, and I quote, "an antiquated institution that might as well still demand a dowry or a bride price for the rights to a woman's body.""

"That was a long time ago."

"That was last week at Jenny's wedding!"

Veronica folded her arms over her stomach protectively, shoulders hunched forward in a defensive position. "You never said you wanted to get married either."

"I was respecting your boundaries!"

"Since when do you ever do that?"

"Since I started going to fucking therapy so I could keep you forever this time!"

Their eyes met as Logan's chest heaved with emotion and Veronica suddenly saw what she'd missed these past five months: Logan was scared. As scared as she was that this was the pipe dream, that what they spoke of was the truth, and _this, them_ the what if.

There was only one thing to do.

Veronica awkwardly pitched forward so she could rise up on one knee, ignoring Logan's instinctive reaction to help her, though she took his hand, and gazed soulfully into his eyes.

"Neither of us have good role models when it comes to marriage; everyone of importance in our lives had shitty marriages and lives, so its understandable we wouldn't want to take the same route as they did. But we're not them, and they're not us, and we're finally in a good place. So. Logan Echolls, will you marry me?"

Logan's eyes were suspiciously moist as he gazed at the love of his life round with his child and brimming with hope for their future. Hope was in short supply for so long between them, but now things were different. _They_ were different.

"Only if I can take your name."

"Wha-?"

"I don't have good memories associated with the Echolls name, and I don't want any kids of ours to carry its legacy. I will marry you if I can take your name."

Veronica pondered this for a moment, her knees protesting her position. At five months, she was already all stomach, her small body desperately trying to rearrange itself to carry the baby.

"Logan Mars. I like the sound of that." She chuckled. "My dad will like that too; I think he's wanted to keep me single all these years because there's no one to carry on his name once I got married."

"I would be honored to carry your name."

"And me, if you don't help me up before my knees lock up."

Logan hefted her up with one hand, her weight negligible even with the added pounds.

"Logan Nicholas Mars. I like it too." He tested his new name and liked the way it rolled off his tongue.

And so did Keith, when they finally got around to telling him, though privately it was because he was just glad they were going to be married before their kid came. Call him old-fashioned, he preferred his first grandchild wasn't born a bastard.


End file.
